Right Relations

Here at The Institute we teach Right ‘Relations.’ So what is Right Relations? Right relations is a practice to relate authentically to the other as a ‘thou.’ Much like the intention of the greeting Namaste- that which is divine in me bows to that which is divine in you, Right relations is a practice to relate to the divine in each other. Sounds great, but how do we do that? The first thing to become aware of is our felt response.  So if you can imagine yourself relating to someone, what happens to me when they say whatever they say?  Can I pause and assess the impact that has had on me, in body, in my feelings as well as in my mind.  Our feelings are a guide to us, and maybe we have lost touch with how we feel, but if we focus intentionally on the feelings arising from what other people say, we can get a sense of how they are impacting us.  Where in my body do I feel these feelings, and what might that mean for me? Do I know this feeling?  Can I be with this feeling?  And, if not what have I done to escape this feeling?  Do I know this as a familiar escape, or is this new?  Why might I be escaping, what might have been triggered in me? What from my history might I need to unhook from? What might it be about my belief system that causes this to be hard to hear?   Is my reaction to this an appropriate reaction, or is there some history in there for me to work on? Might my reaction have been different if somebody else had been talking? These are just some questions that we might sit with when relating to others. Then, the challenge is to respond authentically.  Again, sounds easy right? However, to be authentic takes great courage.  To be honest internally with oneself and then to speak from the heart requires repeated acts of great courage. We are sometimes scared to offend, or even to eager to offend if we fear we have been criticised or slighted in some way.  Can we muster up the courage to own our story, and our genuine response in order to share it with the ‘thou’ we are relating to? The best of it is, when we relate authentically, we don’t have to get it  ‘right.’ We don’t have to answer all of the questions above in the moment, because when we are in right relations with someone who is also trying to be authentic in return, we both know that it is messy, that we get it wrong, but we also know that we are both willing and respectful of each other enough to work through whatever comes up, even in our clumsiness.  It is a practice, and to relate authentically means to respond without blame or judgment, but rather to report on our genuine response as an observer to what is being co-created. So for example, if we feel criticised and challenged about a piece of work we have done (which we will assume was also not delivered in a right relational way) we might respond with something like... Ok fair enough, but I only had 2 days to get it done, and you know how much other stuff I’ve got on right now. Plus I didn’t feel very supported by you and if I’m honest I pretty annoyed you landed this on me, and now you tell me it wasn’t good enough.  Please ask someone else to do it next time. So here we can see the individual has been triggered. First they go on the defensive; then they go on the attack.  Of course the ‘other’ in this situation is not seen as ‘thou’ and unless they can unhook from their own triggers they are also likely to be defensive and maybe also attack in return, and so it goes on. We might then create new defences, mindsets, projections and judgements towards this person, taking us further away from authentic relationship. It’s clear to see how the knock on effect of such interactions does not serve humanity. So how might we respond right relationally? We might say something like this.... I notice some strong feelings coming up for me when you give me that feedback, and it feels very uncomfortable for me. In fact I have the urge now to defend myself and part of me even wants to be critical back.  I know I can do this when I feel criticised, so I just need to sit with it a while before I respond. When we respond authentically without judgment or blame the other person feels the impact of this.  It’s not going to work if we are saying right relational words, but actually internally we are seething with rage because it will be picked up and the lack of authenticity will be felt.  However,  if we are congruent with our inner world and our response, the other may well then look at what they have said, wonder if they have been fair and right relational in their feedback, and maybe try to remedy any parts of the feedback that were unfair or coming from their history.  And the next time there is an interaction, both parties will want to be more authentic.  It’s amazing how authenticity calls others to be authentic.  Of course, it may be that the other person is unable to respond right relationally, but at least in this case you have been authentic and also you have stopped the unconscious tit for tat interaction that was likely to occur. And so with these small steps of relating consciously to others and holding empathy knowing that we all carry our bag of wounds and triggers, we start to have better relationships, based on the here and now rather than history. Authenticity calling out authenticity has a ripple effect. A world with Right Relations is a world without judgment and blame.  What a great practice it is for us to work with!

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